It’s worth a nickel

last month i took a defensive driving class. it’s one of those things sponsored by the national safety council, that lets you save a boatload of money on your car insurance (without even switching to geico, who in the interest of full disclosure, is my insurance carrier). anyway, the class cost me about $40, but the discount on my insurance is good for three years, which ends up saving me about $300 even after the cost of the class is factored in.

i took the class once before, three years ago, at a local community college. even though it’s a horribly boring way to spend six hours of your weekend, it does have its benefits. (see paragraph one.) this time, to save a few dollars, i took it at a local driving school, which shall remain nameless.

i’d like to share with you what i learned during my class, from my amazing instructor.

1. don’t go to the mall at christmas time. it’s just too risky. there are guys with box cutters waiting under your cars to slash your ankles and (1) steal your car, (2) steal whatever you just bought, (3) rape, molest or otherwise assault you, (4) kill you, or (5) any combination of the previous four.
2. you should check under your car every day for leaks. (and, i guess, for people with box cutters.) this helps to prevent larger problems. no word from the instructor on what to do if you find any leaks, but definitely look for them.
3. jayne mansfield was decapitated because she was “drafting” behind a truck. that’s why the bars are on the back of semis now, to prevent this from happening. hmmm. in fact, she wasn’t. either. decapitated or drafting. she wasn’t even driving during the car accident that took her life.
4. right on red is a tragedy from a safety standpoint, and jimmy carter is to blame. wrong again, it seems. right on red has been in use in many us states since the 1950s (according to wikipedia), and when instituted in the 1970s during the oil crisis, it was done by states rather than by president carter. interestingly, wikipedia also would seem to differ with the national safety council on the relative impact of the laws, since they apparently account for a very small number of accidents annually. hmmm.
5. in new jersey, it is illegal to park under bridges. i didn’t bother to look this up, since i couldn’t figure out why people would park their cars in the water anyway.
6. you can make liquor from aftershave. apparently by pouring aqua velva through a loaf of italian bread, you end up with some kind of drinkable alcohol. also, for those linguists among us, “aqua velva” apparently means “velvet water” in spanish. okay, i would have said “agua aterciopelada” or even “agua suave”, but what do i know.
7. the national safety council considers prayer to be an important component of correcting and surviving from hydroplaning. they just don’t print that in their course manual, but seriously folks, pray, okay?
8. don’t use antifreeze as windshield washer fluid. apparently it’s too viscous.
9. you can’t break a car window with a hammer. really? i find this hard to believe. i understand that it’s difficult (tempered glass and all), but eventually it’s going to break. my instructor must get a kickback from the folks at lifehammer.
10. it’s okay to ride a motorcycle, as long as it’s a harley. everything else is just a “crotch rocket“, and we shouldn’t even be importing them from korea anyway. (note that we also import these from japan and italy, but why worry about accuracy at this point?)
11. dangerous moose are roaming around greenwich, connecticut. i seriously wouldn’t have believed it without reading it online. just for the record though, the accident occurred in new canaan, not greenwich.
12. don’t pay for air! if you go to a gas station to fill your tires with air, and they charge for their air, you get the hell out of that gas station as fast as you can. go to a free one. most of them don’t even work anyway, so don’t bother with the ones that charge. don’t pay for air! don’t!
13. with sinkholes in florida, earthquakes in california, and bridges collapsing in minnesota … for the love of god, just stay home!