It’s worth a nickel

i’m at a crossroads.

i’ve gotten a lot of great comments and feedback on my decision to consider law school. so far, so good, though i haven’t really made much progress beyond taking that one practice lsat. it’s really given me something to focus on, a goal to work toward … the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. so everything’s ducky, right?

yesterday my mom called to say that my uncle tony is in the hospital. apparently he became ill at home and went to the hospital in an ambulance. i’ll spare you the gory details, firstly because i don’t like reliving them myself, and secondly because all illnesses in my family must be reported with a grain of salt. (this is because the storytellers in my family are prone to exaggeration.) apparently he has some sort of tumor and ulcerated area in his stomach, which is causing him considerable discomfort and causing everyone in my family to become morose and overly dramatic. they took a tissue sample today, and biopsy results will be available by friday.

now, i’m happy that this information was relayed to me. i like knowing what’s happening in my family, because i don’t like to feel excluded or out of the loop in any way. however, when illness or death occurs in my family it has a very strange effect on me. i change from a relatively happy, confident person into a messy, unhappy blob. why, you ask? well, because i don’t behave like the rest of them. as previously noted, the family is in an uproar. up-to-the-minute progress updates are expected and conveyed, thanks to modern conveniences like the cellular telephone. (my mom and her sisters finally learned how to use them … look out world!) i prefer to take a wait-and-see approach. i’ve digested the information presented to me, i’m awaiting further information (due friday), and i’ll decide at that time how best to react.

i seriously believe that my mom and her sisters (collectively “the aunts”) have already buried tony in their minds. not because they want him to die &mdash not at all &mdash but because they thrive on the drama. i’d sort of like to wander around muttering, “he’s not dead yet!” but i won’t, because they already think i’m the one without any feelings. my therapist and i have been through this 100 times … i’m allowed to express my emotions my way; my family be damned. (it’s still a hard pill to swallow.)

so where’s the silver lining?

i basically got a job offer this morning. let’s not jump to conclusions, but i had a very promising second interview which ended with the hiring manager telling me she was going to “find a way to bring me onboard in some capacity.” in my world, that’s doublespeak for “i have to navigate this wretched and messy process of getting you out of your current job and into this one, but you’re worth it.” now, i’m a process whore as much as the next gal, but i have a feeling this process is going to be ugly. look out ladies, claws are out and this cat is ready for a fight. this is an amazing opportunity for me to grow my skills and increase my visibility to all the right people. as i told ewan earlier today, this job could keep me at ibm for another couple of years, instead of bailing out for law school next fall.

it’s a period of watchful waiting on all fronts, but keep me in your thoughts and keep your fingers crossed. i’ll provide updates on anything and everything as they become available. histrionics not included.

i’ve been giving a lot of thought to my career lately. anybody who ever reads my crazy blog entries knows that i’m more likely to write about what’s going on at work than about any other thing, really.

i’m in a holding pattern. i want out of my current job, but my management has declared me a “critical resource.” that basically allows them to keep me in my job longer than they would be able to do otherwise. my current availability date (the date my management has agreed they will let me go to a new job) is 15th june … not so far away, really. (103 days, but who’s counting?)

and i’m interviewing, of course. i haven’t decided it’s time to leave the company just yet, although i don’t fault those who’ve decided it’s the best course of action. over the past nine months i’ve had close to a dozen interviews, and i’m still waiting for something to materialize.

in the meantime, how the #$&* am i supposed to stay motivated?

i’m rekindling an old dream. for years, i’ve been saying i want to go to law school before i die … and now i’m taking the steps to ready me to do it. i’ve read and downloaded a lot of material on going to law school, and i’m starting to prepare to sit for the lsat (law school admissions test) this fall. so far i’m doing well on the practice questions, though i haven’t managed to do an entire practice exam, timed, yet.

i’ve always said “it’s not worth it” or made some other lame excuse. suddenly, a daily train ride to and from manhattan doesn’t sound so bad, if it means i’m actually going to be doing something that is meaningful. yeah, i’m still anxious about the prospect of quitting my job to do it. i’m nervous about what it means for paul and me, and how our lifestyle may have to change from the comfortable one we’ve established. but at the end of the day, i think it might be the stimulus i need to make me a happier, more complete person.