My brain is full
22nd Aug 2008 |
It’s full of a whole big list of things that I’m “supposed to” do and be.
But where did this list come from, and why do I feel so constrained by it? I guess it’s from my childhood, the experiences that have made me who I am today, but it’s time to start letting go of some of them.
- I’m not really that independent, even though I say I am and I like to think I am. I’d much rather be with the people I care about than be alone. Even when I’m cranky. A lot of times, even when I say I want to be. (I don’t even like going grocery shopping alone.)
- When you’re smart, it doesn’t mean you have all the answers, all the time. Paul and I have argued about this more than once … he’ll ask me a question, and I’ll snap back: “why would you expect me to know that?” Innocently, he’ll respond, “because you usually do know the answers to my questions.” The problem isn’t with Paul; it’s with me. Why do I feel so defensive about not having the answer?
- The tough thing about being perceived as strong is that it can rob you of the chance to be weak. If I hadn’t found a couple of people with whom I can be truly vulnerable, unfiltered, I’d be exhausted. Those special people are rare and I treasure them, though I often forget to let them know it.
22 August 2008 at 12:14 pm | Link
Jay wrote…
It sounds like a whole lot more then just your brain is full!
I think a lot of my successful (one might say “hyper-achieving”) friends often find it disconcerting to deal with “being wrong” or not knowing the answer, or knowing they’ve got failures.
“We’re” groomed from such an early state for success that it’s hard to correlate the opposites (not knowing, vulnerabilities… etc) with the person you’ve grown up to consider yourself to be the majority of the time.
But I often think about the “eastern” philosophies which believe in a balance of opposites or in definitions base on what you’re “not” vs what you “are” and it helps me reconcile my frustrations.
So it doesn’t have to be that “I’m smart” I can simply “usually know the answers more often then not” (my wife and I call that “being right” ;> ).
It’s a hard balance and I really don’t think I’ve got it anywhere close but that’s some of what I use to get through!
*hugs*
23 August 2008 at 7:43 pm | Link
Other Mike wrote…
You have to give yourself permission to feel vulnerable, needy, dependent, and uncertain, and know that it doesn’t make you any less independent, strong, and smart. It’s a curse that people with strong personalities tend to hex themselves with. Sometimes I’m so used to being “on” or expected to be “on” that I worry no one will like me if they find out that’s not how I always am. I fancy myself very independent, funny, smart, and strong, but sometimes I’m not. Many times I’m not, at least not all at the same time. And that’s a lot of pressure for a person to place on themselves. It’s too much pressure, and you’ll end up tapping yourself out. Of course, a number of experiences over a number of years have inspired this feeling, this fear, but I’ve had to realize that I am not regarded by others as weak, ignorant, and codependent, with the sense of humor of a chair, if I let down my guard. Their opinion of me doesn’t change, except to see that I’m well-rounded. You just have to teach yourself to see yourself the way that others do, and give yourself permission to let go. Achieving that balance is easier said than done, but I’m sure you’ll get there. If you’re “on” all the time, you’ll only wear yourself down to the wires; it’s better to pace yourself.
After all, a person can only shit so much gold before their asshole gives out.