25 questions

This questionnaire was passed around by the GLBT group at work, for a book that’s being written on what it’s like to be gay, and the questions we’re asked by straight people. I thought it seemed interesting, so I filled it out and returned it … but I thought some people out there might be interested to read my answers too.

1. When did you know you were gay? How did you know you were gay?

I think in some ways, I’ve always known. From a young age, I recognized that I was different from the other boys from preschool: my friends were primarily the girls. I’ve always had difficulty making and sustaining friendships with boys or men, and even today the vast majority of my male friends are gay. The kids on the playground sure knew; they called me “fag” as long as I can remember, even before I really knew what the word meant. By high school, I recognized crushes on boys while dating girls. It never felt 100% right, but I did what I needed to do to fit in.

2. Did someone lead you down the garden path? (Maybe your mother asked you this one.)

Nobody helped me down the path; I walked alone. I’ve been accused of having the ability to convert others, which is something I joke about with friends. In reality though, it’s a sensitive subject; being gay is something you can’t force. You are, or you aren’t. The only choice is whether you choose to accept your sexual orientation and live happily in your own skin.

3. How long have you been out? What triggered your coming out?

I’ve been out for about five years, but in some ways it seems like it’s been forever. In many ways, my life before coming out is separate and distinct from my life today. My coming out was prompted by my relationship with my boyfriend. I had been out to myself for about 18 months at the time, and it was time to let my family and friends know the truth. I didn’t enjoy hiding my boyfriend or my life, but I did wait until I was graduated from college and started my first job. I wanted to be self-sufficient before I came out, because even though I wanted to believe that my parents would be supportive, you can never be completely sure.

4. How did you tell your parents you were gay? Your best friend? Has it affected that relationship?

One of the most challenging aspects of coming out to those close to you is the facing the prospect of losing them. Preparing yourself, steeling yourself emotionally, for the possibility of losing a loved one for being honest with them, is heartbreaking. It’s perhaps the worst pain I’ve ever felt.

When I told my parents, we were standing in the kitchen of their home. I started to cry before I even got the words out … it was really tough. I tear up now, just thinking about it, five years later. My parents never wavered in their love and support for me, and I’ve seen a lot of growth in their understanding of the issues surrounding gay life. They happily and graciously accept my partner as a member of our family … and this was critically important to me, because I was ready to walk away.

Telling friends was challenging too, but I felt more assured of their support. I’m very proud and pleased that I’ve never lost a friend by coming out; even the most conservative people I know have never been anything less than supportive. I would like to think I’ve opened a few hearts and minds by sharing my life openly and honestly with my chosen family.

5. Are you gay because of something your mother/father did? (Again, your mother might be asking.)

In a sense, yes. I’m gay because my parents gave me life … but no action or inaction on their part made me gay. The lessons they taught me along the way have allowed me to embrace my homosexuality, and helped me learn to live in a world where I won’t accept second best. Although there are people who would like to believe otherwise, I’m no less a human being, no less a citizen of my country, than any other person regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity or expression, or any other arbitrary characteristic.

6. Are you gay because of something that happened to you with someone of the opposite sex? (Maybe your straight boyfriend/girlfriend has asked this one.)

No, no, no! It’s all about me!

7. Can you switch your sexual preference? (Maybe your mother AND your former boyfriend/girlfriend asked this one!)

It’s not a preference. I find the term offensive. It’s an orientation. I didn’t choose this. My preference for a partner is for a wealthy, attractive, intelligent person. My orientation dictates that my partner’s gender will be male.

8. If you were in a heterosexual relationship, and came out, how did you tell your partner you were gay? How did that person respond? How is that relationship now?

This wasn’t my experience, but I am/was out to all those people I’ve ever dated. We’re not in close touch, but I don’t think my being gay was the cause of that. Time and distance have a bigger impact.

9. Do people ask you about the sexual aspects of your homosexuality? Are you comfortable being asked? Are you comfortable telling?

Sometimes people ask the sex-related questions. It depends on who’s asking, and the context, as to whether I’m comfortable. When it’s my close friends — certainly any of my gay friends, but also the straight friends who really get it — I’m happy to answer the questions. I believe in changing minds through education, one person at a time.

Believe it or not, there are people in my life for whom I’m the only gay person they know, or know well. So I do feel a sense of obligation to provide information whenever possible. Ask away!

10. Why don’t some people come out?

I can only speculate, but I think there can be a lot of reasons for staying closeted. Some people, especially older people, still don’t feel being out is a safe option. They fear for their personal safety, perhaps because of where they live or work. Some people are in denial. Some people fear the loss of loved ones, family and friends. Some believe the lies that their religion tells, casting them as sinners for something they can’t control and can’t change. Whatever the reason, staying closeted isn’t an easy choice.

11. Are there degrees of being out? Examples?

Certainly there are degrees of being out. You can be out at work, out to family, out to friends, out to strangers. You can be nonchalantly out, or you can be actively out. You can shout it from the rooftops, or you can assimilate more. Again, it’s a personal choice, and it needs to fit your needs both emotionally and practically.

I feel no need to start every sentence with “I’m gay, and so” or “Because I’m gay”. But I also don’t shy away from mentioning my partner, especially if I sense an opportunity to educate someone. The more you say it, the more you normalize it for people, even people you don’t know well.

12. Have you ever been outed? Examples?

I can only think of one example when I felt outed, by which I mean someone sought out others to tell them I was gay for absolutely no reason. I called him on it; he never apologized, and I never spoke to him again. The relationship was already strained when he did that, and that action made me see him for who he really was.

At this point in my life, I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to out me, because implicit in the term is the idea that sharing my orientation with someone is a secret. It’s not I don’t care who knows. If they dont like it, they can take a walk!

13. Are you out at work? Why or why not? Does it make a difference?

I am out at work. I’m fortunate to work for a global corporation that values diversity — and they don’t just give it lip service; they have real, demonstrated commitment to diversity in the policies and practices. They have consistently been ranked among the best employers for GLBT employees by the Human Rights Campaigns Corporate Equality Index, scoring a 100% multiple consecutive years. They’ve offered domestic partner benefits since the mid-1990s, and treat domestic partners as spouses wherever and whenever possible. They have established a global diversity networking group for GLBT employees, with a task force of out executives to provide strategy, direction and counsel to the company’s senior executives.

Does it make a difference? YES! One of the most important aspects of my job is candor in communications. I work with a lot of different people from different backgrounds and cultures my teams are distributed around the world. Building trust is critical to success, and being open and honest about myself and my personal life is critical to building trust. I have never, ever experienced a roadblock based on my sexual orientation or by being out. My management is supportive, my colleagues are supportive and if they weren’t, my company’s human resources team would make sure they became supportive through education and appropriate disciplinary action. I know that, I believe it, and I wouldn’t hesitate to take advantage of that.

14. Do you know what your parents have been asked by their friends, relatives, or neighbors about your sexuality? What do your parents/siblings tell other people about your sexuality?

Bits and pieces filter through. One of my aunts shared with me how my mom explained the importance of civil unions and partnership registries, to provide gay couples with rights that approximate marriage. She said she never really understood how important it was, until she could fill in the blanks using my name and my partner’s.

My parents also comfortably introduce my partner, although my partner’s parents lag a bit behind on this regard.

15. What do you like about being gay?

I’m affiliation-driven, so I like the instant sense of community. This was a very helpful concept to me as I began to understand that I’m now a minority. Growing up as a white male, I was assumed to be part of the majority until I came out! Now I’m part of the “invisible diversity,” and so having a group of people who embrace me for my orientation helped me to feel good about being gay.

I like the fact that it’s given me a chance to meet people that otherwise would never have entered my life. I have a number of friends, wonderful friends, who I know simply because we’re both gay.

16. What don’t you like about being gay?

I don’t like the sense of isolation that it brings, or the anger that comes with being treated differently for being gay. I try to channel that anger into changing minds through education, one person at a time!

17. Do you have straight friends? Should straight people of the same sex be concerned that you might hit on them?

I do have straight friends, although increasingly over the past few years, my closest friends are gay. I feel more comfortable with gay people overall, because I feel we have more in common and they are better positioned to understand the challenges I experience.

Straight men shouldn’t worry about my hitting on them. There are plenty of gay guys out there who like it when I hit on them, and a few straight guys who like it too! The men who are worried are not in much danger of being hit on by me because homophobia doesn’t exactly turn me on.

18. Are gay men (or the culture of gay men) different from gay women (or the culture of gay women)? If so, how?

Lesbian and gay cultures overlap, but are distinct. The stereotypes have a basis in truth — I think gay men are more flirtatious (although not necessarily more promiscuous). But I can’t really comment too much on lesbian culture because I’m not very familiar with it. One thing I do note is that gay men tend to stick together, and lesbians do likewise. There isn’t as much mixing as I’d like to see; personally I don’t have any close lesbian friends.

19. Does being gay affect your day-to-day life? If so, how?

As much as all my other traits do — being male, being an adult, having a job, being in a relationship, etc. Being gay does make me more aware of my surroundings, and does make me more sensitive to some of the challenges that others face.

20. If you had a choice, would you be gay? Why? Why not?

I would. My life isn’t what I expected it to be, and I don’t fit the classic American dream … but I’m very happy, and I’m surrounded by people who contribute to that every day. I wouldn’t give this up for anything.

21. Do you want to get married? Why? Why not?

Yes, I do. Being able to legally call my partner my husband would solve a lot of complex legal and societal problems. But more basically, I love him and I would like to legitimize that love in the eyes of my friends and family.

22. Do you want children? Why? Why not? Have you been in a gay relationship where there are children? Have you had a break-up involving children?

I don’t really want children. I don’t really like children, with very, very few exceptions. I think the direction my life is taking would make it difficult for me to parent effectively; I believe being a parent is a full-time job and I think I would resent the time and effort it would require. Essentially I guess I’m too selfish.

I will admit my opinions are softening over time — so maybe as I get older, I’ll change my mind.

I’ve never been in a relationship where kids were involved.

23. Do you think about being gay and getting older?

I do. I’ve watched my grandparents get older, and watch how their children and grandchildren rallied around them to provide support: physical, emotional and financial support. It worries me to think about what support my partner and I will have when we get older, but I also see the patterns.

Our circles of friends are multigenerational — some of our friends are fifteen years older than we are. I would imagine in fifteen years’ time, I’ll be able to say I have friends both fifteen years older and fifteen years younger, and I hope that network of support will continue into my old age.

It’s also made my partner and me more sensitive to financial concerns. We’re actively planning for retirement, and being able to support ourselves throughout our lives. We will retire early and enjoy our golden years, and we will stay active and healthy by doing so.

24. Has being gay affected your sense of faith/spirituality? If so, how?

As I struggled with the realization that I’m gay, it challenged my faith. I grew up in a protestant church, and was actively involved in youth activities. I even taught Sunday school when in high school, and sat on membership and leadership committees for my church.

But even before I came out, I began to feel that the church wasn’t honest, wasn’t real. The people there were nice to you for an hour on Sunday, and then walked out the door and judged you the rest of the week. The church to which I belonged also still has an official policy condemning homosexuality, and refuses to ordain openly gay clergy. So I left the church, mentally and officially.

For a time I considered myself spiritual, and now I consider myself an atheist. I don’t believe that my destiny is controlled by anyone but me.

25. Are there male/female roles in gay relationships?

I think the question is inherently biased. What is a male role? What is a female role? Gender roles are determined by society. My partner and I share responsibilities in our house and in our life together, without much thought for which things would be traditionally performed by a man or a woman.

I consider myself fortunate to have grown up in a household that didn’t follow traditional roles. Although my father provided the primary income for our family, he helped out with the cooking and laundry regularly. And although my mom stayed home until I was in middle school, she mowed the lawn as often as my dad did!

In the same vein, my partner and I really split the difference. He is our primary cook, but he also mows the lawn. I tend the garden, pay the bills, and handle the laundry. We consider maintaining our lives to be our responsibility, and we do what needs to be done without worrying about who makes it happen.